A case of the Februarys

My brain likes to wake me up in the middle of the night to worry about emails. There is no grogginess that lets me slip back into sleep. My mind switches from unconsciousness to telling me I’m a fraud in the time it takes to roll over. Sometimes if I’m lucky I’ll wake up from an anxiety dream, about missing multiple flights in multiple airports, to one of the stages of grief. Three AM existential dread is a great way to pass early morning hours. Along with a touch of imposter syndrome.

invisible child photo

I have years of anxiety fodder for any miscommunication I’ve ever had. That stupid thing I said offhand the other day, means everyone hates me. It seems like there are certain times of the year when battling my brain gets a bit harder than normal.

February is one of those times. I love January. I get to start over, everything feels new, yet back to normal. But once February starts I realize that it still won’t warm up for a long time. We still have to get through March! It will be awhile before we see leaves on the trees, ack!

I take my Vitamin D and my magnesium and try to get enough sleep. I should probably exercise more. I’ve cut out alcohol since it gives me a good case of the sads. Part of growing older I guess. AAANNDD there’s the existential dread again. :-/

All that to say I’m trying. I’m plugging along. Trying to make my life better, trying to make my family’s life better. Fighting with my brain each day. And tomorrow is March.

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